Before I became a mum I used to work long hours, give my clients and staff 200% and often came crashing down. I ate at my desk, took work home & practised little self care. Once I fell pregnant, and even just before, I was a little better at looking after me but still gave too much of myself to my work (don’t ask my colleagues what they call me!). So when I went on maternity leave I naturally took a few weeks to disconnect but once that baby came everything shifted! I’ve been delving deep into my passion & life’s purpose lately and let me tell you it is not working for someone who doesn’t care about me, someone who doesn’t know me or someone who doesn’t value me. It’s also not someone or rather something that isn’t flexible & family friendly.
For months I have been hoping and praying (more like living in my head in lala land – hello mean girl) for some divine sign from the universe that would allow me to stay home with my little babe a little longer (*dreaming*). But in doing so I have been procrastinating BIG time, avoiding making plans – plans to go back to work, plans for day care, plans to visit friends before I go back to work, plans to do shit around the house before.. you know, I go back to work! So time kinda snuck up on me and before I knew it my babe was 7 months old and I was due back at work in another 3 months… it was definitely time to pull my finger out and make said plans.
Once I realised I was actually avoiding because of all the things I was worried about I allowed myself to feel the emotions, ALL of them, in full force before I took action. Lots of journalling, meditating and just soaking up time with my little babe (you really do lose endless hours just staring, laughing and loving them *checks the monitor to stare some more*).
So what was (technically still *am*) I worried about? Gosh, bloody EVERYTHING! I don’t want things to change, I don’t want someone else to care for my precious babe, I am not ready, am nervous about returning to work, does baby brain ever end, what about baby no 2, how many days should I be working, do I go with family day care or a centre, he’s too little, how the heck will I manage it all, will I be as passionate about work as I was before, can I do this job anymore (sounds stupid doesn’t it, seriously women have been doing this stuff for decades right?!!). Now I must point out its not the ‘returning to work’ that bothers me – it’s the rigid 9-5 and having to leave MY baby (the one that I grew inside my tummy and birthed into this world) with a stranger part (according to my mum friends they tell me this is totes normal and that it gets easier – thanks guys!).
This brings me to purpose… lately I’ve been feeling like I have no purpose and like I’m just a freaking house maid (if your a mum you hear me right?). I am one of those crazy OCD types that revels in a clean, tidy and ordered home (yep, have a little sigh for my husband!). Thankfully my OCD calmed the f*** down when my little babe arrived (yep folks, daily vacuuming IS me calm haha) but lately every time I see a pile of washing, dirty dishes, overflowing bins or an empty dog bowl I want to scream and cry because it feels so overwhelming, so mundane, so purposeless and never friggin’ ending. Even worse it feels like thats ALL I do (and all I am good for). Crazy right? Mothering IS the single most amazing & rewarding *job* yet that’s not how us mums are made to feel! Is this feeling linked to the fact that my return to work is looming? I think so! Enter even more journalling, guided meditations and enjoying every single precious moment with my little babe.
My goal for the next fortnight – find the right child carer (wish me, or them luck)!!
I would love to hear from any gorgeous mummas some tips for surviving this crazy new period and what helped you?
Needless to say I’ve been wearing plenty of grounding & uplifting essential oils to help support me each day #thankgodforoils #doTERRA