self destruction to self love… where it all began

After the death of my mum at age 14, I spent most of late teens and early 20’s partying in self destruction mode. I sought attention and did things to please others. I ran with the wolves and my worthiness was pretty punching a bit fat zero.

I looked externally for pleasure and blamed the world. I had a massive chip on my shoulder and felt I was owed something for my bad hand. I had no idea what self love was but my own large heart and gentle nature certainly got a few bumps and bruises along the way. I judged my worthiness based on what others said and I probably spent 80% of my time judging others and gossiping.

If only I knew the statement ‘you are the sum of the top 5 people you spend your time with’…

After a nasty breakup followed by an abortion I threw myself into work with a side of vodka. Then after the next breakup (and some ‘finding yourself’ time in Bali) an opportunity presented itself for me to take a job in Sydney. I had nothing keeping me and nothing to lose.

I went for two months and stayed for seven years …

In the first year I enjoyed the bright lights and city life. I danced til the wee hours in Kings Cross and spent my wage pretty much in booze and taxi fares.

Before long I realised I wasn’t getting any younger, I was the heaviest I had ever been and probably the most unfulfilled. I was in no state to meet a partner, let alone call in my soul mate. I had no money, didn’t enjoy looking in the mirror and busied myself up so much that I was rarely alone.

Then I did something crazy. I signed up for Dry July…

I had NO idea that this one simple single decision was about to be the catalyst for changing the direction of my entire life.

My colleagues thought I was mad, my mates didn’t believe I could do it and many thought it was a joke. I however was deadset on making it through the ENTIRE month without a drink. It sounds simple right?

That month felt like the hardest month of my life. What happened after that month though was a flow on effect for when you put something out to the universe and say “I am ready”. 

I ate healthier, I moved more, I partied less and had almost no hangovers… All those hours spent running, boxing or walking from Bondi-Bronte did something magical to soothe my soul. I lost 20kgs, made incredible friends, started to feel confident in my own skin, and for the first time life started to make sense. The more I said yes the more life started to flow.

Did I have a fucking rad time doing it all? Absolutely! I wouldn’t trade all those nights dancing under the stars for the world but thats because I know it was all part of the journey… the journey that led me to exactly where I am and who I am today.

A few years after this I started going to Melissa Ambrosini’s weekly Goddess Group and surrounded myself around women who also were saying ‘yes’. Yes to living a life from your heart and not your head. Yes to their soul’s work, and yes to going inwards. Every single week I would go & immerse myself amongst this incredible feminine energy. I would write pages of notes and go home so full yet with so many questions. Questions about where I was, who I wanted to be, where I wanted to go and more importantly a drive to go deeper – to go inwards. To that place I had been avoiding for so many years.

You see I was ready, ready to start healing old wounds and saying goodbye to the stories. Ready to start tapping into that feeling that I felt and knew all too well. Ready to start living and stepping into my true souls journey. Now I had no idea what it was at this point, and some days I feel I still don’t know.

But what followed was, and still is, a deep commitment to learning.

Learning…

To being a better person.
To listen more.
To follow my heart and not my head.
To fulfil me first, always.
To only ever seek comfort internally.
To remove the stories.
To expand and contract.
To be uncomfortable.
To continually helping others.
To have no expectations.
To love myself.
To feel I am worthy of my desires.
To trust.

The rest is pretty much history.

Are you ready? Just repeat after me “I am ready”…

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